Cardi B, Offset, Attachment Styles, and What All of This Means For You

Well…it has been a busy couple of days in pop culture news. I’m sure most of you have heard of the Cardi B and Offset situation that happened over the weekend. I, like most people, was shocked and baffled looking at that video. We see Cardi confused and frustrated, boxes on stage that spell out “Take Me Back” in red lettering, and Offset walking towards her with a bouquet of white flowers in his hands. I was mortified for her. She’s the first female performer to headline that particular music festival and it was completely overshadowed by the very man she’s trying to leave.

Within my amazement of the situation, a thought later crossed my mind that I didn’t expect… “I wonder if Offset knows his adult attachment style? I wonder if most young adults know their adult attachment style?”

If you don’t know what I mean by “Adult Attachment”, it’s okay…most people don’t. To sum it up, attachment styles are formed within the first couple years of our life and depend upon the relationship you had with your mother (or whoever your primary caregiver was) at that time. An experiment was done in 1969 called the “Strange Situation Procedure” by a psychologist named Mary Ainsworth. Basically, she wanted to see how infants were affected when their mothers were, and were not, in the room. Her results became what are now called “Early Attachment Styles”.

From there, (it is said) we form “Adult Attachment Styles” that effect everything from intimate relationships with your partner to how we function in our friendships. Now there are plenty of theories that have come out since 1969 that challenged Dr. Ainsworth’s theory, but for the most part the psychology world acknowledges that how we function as adults has to do with how we “attach” ourselves to our mothers in early childhood.

Essentially, there are four types of “Adult Attachment Styles/Personalities”:

·       Secure

·       Avoidant

·       Anxious

·       Disorganized

Adults who are “Securely Attached” pretty much function in life how a mentally and emotionally stable adult should. They, most likely, were raised by someone who was able to meet their physical, emotional, and mental needs as a child. Therefore, as adults, these people have low anxiety and avoidance. What that means is securely attached people are comfortable with intimacy and aren’t afraid to get close to others. They’re also really good at communication and understanding other people’s emotional needs. They manage their emotions well and are really great partners in their relationships. When one securely attached person finds another, their relationship tends to be emotionally stable, loving and balanced. Both people feel loved by the other person, but are also able to maintain their independence as two seperate people.

Then we have adults who have an “Avoidant Attachment Style”. People with this attachment style are very dismissive, loners, and don’t think of feelings or emotions as being important to them. This happens because they were, again…most likely, raised by a guardian in their formative years who may have been very dismissive towards their needs and even rejected them at times. As adults, these particular people tend to be very uncomfortable with getting close to other people on an emotional level. It’s also hard for them to trust and depend on other people, and they aren’t that great at intimacy either. Their communication style is more intellectual than emotional, and they come off as being very stoic. In relationships, these people tend to push their partners away and won’t allow their emotions to get past a certain point.

Then we come to adults who have an “Anxious Attachment Style”. These people have a lot of anxiety when it comes to relationships (whether intimate or friendly), and tend to be extremely insecure about those relationships at the same time. People with this attachment style were probably raised by a caregiver who was inconsistent to their needs as a child. Basically they were raised by someone who may have been very inconsistent with their emotions and love towards their child. One day this parent may have given plenty of hugs and kisses, and the next they completely ignored them. As adults these people can come off as “needy” or “clingy”. They can also tend to be very emotional and even controlling at times. In relationships they want to be as emotionally close to their partner as possible, but constantly worry that they’re partner doesn’t really love or like them.

Lastly, there are adults who have a “Disorganized Attachment Style”. In childhood, they were most likely abused by their parent physically and/or emotionally. This child ends up wanting to be saved from the very person who is supposed to save them from trauma in the first place. These adults tend to come off as antisocial, punitive, and can even lack empathy. In relationships…let’s just say how their childhood affected them shows up in every way possible within their adult relationships.

Now that we’ve had a little education in attachment styles, that brings me back to my original thought of wondering if Offset, Cardi B, or most adults are aware of how all of this impacts their relationships. Obviously I have no idea if Offset or Cardi B knows anything about their attachment styles or attachment styles in general, but I DO know that if most young adults understood more about attachment there would be a lot more successful relationships in the world.

With all of that being said, here’s my advice as a matchmaker: research and talk to someone. Seriously.

The more time you take to get to know not only who you are, but also why you are the way you are…the better. Most people fail at relationships because they don’t understand three things: themselves, how they come off to other people, and how to address it all. I get it. You want to be better, but don’t know where to begin. Well…now you have a starting point. I’m not saying taking a “What’s Your Attachment Style?” quiz you found on Google will all of sudden make you better at relationships and fix your childhood. However it will begin to help you address those issues, and how they’ve affected you as an adult who wants to have a healthy relationship in the future. After that, if you’re able to, I highly suggest some form of treatment with therapy if you feel like certain things need to be handled with a professional.

Look…if you’re going to commit to being in a relationship with someone, let’s just try to enter those relationships as healthy, whole adults. We’ve all been through different things in life, but if you ever end up on a stage at your future ex-wife’s concert set, begging her to take you back in front of the entire world…it’s time to figure out what the hell is going on.