Being A Person Who's Constantly in Relationships Isn't a Good Thing, Beloved - Get It Together
Lately, I’ve been thinking about why it’s so hard for some people not to be in a relationship. Again, I’m not a therapist or psychologist so everything you’re about to read is just the musings of my mind. Seriously, though. Why are some people afraid of being alone? I’ve known more than a few people who have never really been single or attempted to stay single. They hop from one relationship to the next, partner to partner, never taking a breath to themselves along the way. I, personally, am a huge believer in getting your shit together before you commit to another human being. Then, on the other hand, you have people who believe they should grow with someone through the “hard times”. (You can associate “hard times” with brokenness, not having ambition, no actual goals in life, cheating, lying… take your pick.) In the past few adult years of my life, I’ve become a fan of dating fully formed individuals. I mean… it may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but I’m here for dating the person that knows what they want out of life and has taken the time to get themselves there.
Then, on the third random hand somewhere on your body, there are the people who are constantly in relationships not because they “see the potential” in everyone they meet, but because they hate being alone. To be honest, I’ve never had that issue. I’m a person who grew up in a single parent home as an only child; I’ve been spending time alone since I was in elementary school. At the same time, I understand some people didn’t grow up like that. Maybe they grew up in a large family where there was always noise and someone in their room. Now, as an adult, they don’t like the sound of silence or only feeling their presence in the home. Again, this is all just me guessing because this is a question I’ve been trying to answer for a while. I enjoy helping people find love, I enjoy being in healthy relationships, but I’ve never been scared of being alone. More so, I’ve never acted on the fear of being alone. In my opinion, most people confuse being alone with loneliness.
No, I don’t mean that in your corny Twitter quote way. I really do mean people don’t understand the difference in those two words and what comes with them. Being alone gives you a chance to learn about who you are as an individual. In most relationships, we pick up on the things that our partner likes to do, how they speak, and even mannerisms. Eventually, you find yourself listening to their music suggestions and using new phrases that you’ve heard your partner say to their friends. Now imagine doing that consistently for years and years during the most formative years of your young adult life. If you’ve ALWAYS dated someone because you’re afraid of being alone, how in the hell do you get to know who YOU are as a person at this stage in your life? If all of your choices, likes, dislikes, nuances, have been influenced by multiple people for years and years because you couldn’t just sit your butt down by yourself for a more than one month… how in the hell do you know who you are as an individual if someone else has always been around?
How can you ever cultivate a truly healthy relationship in your life and find someone who loves you for you if you don’t even know who the hell you are? Being alone doesn’t automatically equal loneliness. Being alone equals finding out who you are and doing the work to get to the bottom of your choices. If you use your alone time as a way to truly get to know yourself as an individual and get your shit together, by the time you get back into the dating world you’ll be able to not only offer a mentally healthy and stable individual to a future partner, you’ll be able to attract that type of person to you as well. Like I’ve said before, healthy attracts healthy and unhealthy attracts unhealthy. If you’re someone who’s been reading this and feeling queasier by the minute because you recognize some similarities in your choices, understand I’m not here to talk crap about you. I’m saying the best relationships happen when two fully formed, whole individuals join together.
If you’ve spent these last few years of your life allowing others to unintentionally “form” you, then this is your wake up call. Don’t worry. Just because you take some much-needed time off from the dating world doesn’t mean you’re going to miss your Mr./Mrs. Right. Life events always happen the way they’re supposed to and the person that is meant for you will show up at the correct time in your life. Anyone who came before this point in your life just wasn’t the right person. Anyone who came before you became your brand new fully formed, individual, beautiful self wasn’t the right person. Now you’re working on you and since you’re working on you, you’re going to be able to attract the right person for you. Use this as your wake up call. You can be by yourself. You can get your shit together. You can handle being alone. Relationships don’t define you unless you allow them to. Make the choice to get to know yourself, by yourself. Then… once you’ve done the work, get back out there and start attracting the right people for you.